Thantophobia

The lo-fi flows.

The words imprint.

They leave me with questions of my own sanity.

All is fair in love and war,

Don’t get me wrong,

But I had the chance, and so did you.

We let it slip…

The music will fade,

We’ll no longer drown in the beat.

We won’t be happy if you don’t take

The next chance that we’re given at fate.

The tears on my cheeks and the ones in your eyes.

Running the curve and dropping.

The crack in the foundation,

A heart could never keep.

This probably doesn’t connect,

But baby, it should.

I feel silly writing this down; the thoughts inside of my head,

An arsenal of emotion, sure to fly if I don’t get it out.

You’ve made me hallucinate.

There were visions there, of you loving me.

I really felt great.

I was just thinking of

You and Me. He and Her. Him and She.

Look, we’re in the same book,

Just find my page.

This one, the hero gets the girl.

See, you’re my hero.

I just thought I could be your Heroin.

Just save me and I could be your drug.

Let me feed your addiction

To pain and suffering.

Inflict your love on me

And I swear to the God I struggle to believe in I will never,

Ever leave you,

My Peach. 

why

Dear you

           In this little thingy, I am going to answer the given question, “why?”  Ready? Good.

1.           Why? Because you messaged me first.
   2.      Why? Because you made me so happy.
   3.      Why? Because your voice gave me butterflies.
   4.      Why? Because you made me feel loved.
   5.      Why? Because you didn’t care how I looked.
   6.      Why? Because you put hearts in your texts.
   7.      Why? Because you would say silly things.
   8.      Why? Because your smile is captivating.
   9.      Why? Because your eyes make me weak in the knees.
   10.  Why? Because your sense of humor was terrible.
   11.  Why? Because you made me laugh.
   12.  Why? Because you were honest.
   13.  Why? Because you brought me to earth.
   14.  Why? Because you always called me beautiful.
   15.  Why? Because you made up random words.
   16.  Why? Because your taste in music is phenomenal.
   17.  Why? Because you are so in love with Misha Collins.
   18.  Why? Because you would talk to me.
   19.  Why? Because you listened to me cry.
   20.  Why? Because you told me so much.
   21.  Why? Because you showed me your true colors.
   22.  Why? Because you took me back.
   23.  Why? Because you read my letters (or so you said).
   24.  Why? Because you are self-conscious.
   25.  Why? Because you were so confusing.
   26.  Why? Because you were mysterious.
   27.  Why? Because you have OCD.
   28.  Why? Because you wear Tighty-Whities.
   29.  Why? Because you told me your secrets.
   30.  Why? Because you let me give you all of my heart.
   31.  Why? Because you ripped my heart to shreds.
   32.  Why? Because you told me you cared.
   33.  Why? Because you said you missed being in love with me.
   34.  Why? Because you knew what that meant to me.
   35.  Why? Because you made me fall for you.
   36.  Why? Because you deserve so many “second chances.”
   37.  Why? Because you make me feel like shit.
   38.  Why? Because you make me physically hurt.
   39.  Why? Because you make me get that lump in my throat.
   40.  Why? Because you make me cry.
   41.  Why? Because you didn’t mind distance.
   42.  Why? Because you hated pictures.
   43.  Why? Because your smile looks so real sometimes.
   44.  Why? Because you are a little sad sometimes.
   45.  Why? Because you make me want to understand.
   46.  Why? Because you aren’t here with me anymore.
   47.  Why? Because you are so unbelievably strong.
   48.  Why? Because you will never give up.
   49.  Why? Because you won’t go back.
   50.  Why? Because you will always have a jaggedly ripped piece of my heart.
   51.  Why? Because you wanted me as bad as I wanted you, I thought you did.
   52.  Why? Because you are so bitter-sweet.
   53.  Why? Because you.
   
   
   That’s why.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
                                                   From me.

Can't help.

Did you know that it only takes 21 days to form a habit?

 That means in 21 regular, seemingly normal days of your life you can start to cut yourself.

Or starve yourself on the daily. 

Or maybe even learn to hate yourself automatically.

 Most habits formed by teens ‘now-a-days’ are absolutely dreadful. Heart wrenching. Then again, there are also the people like me. They form habits around the most addicting of all drugs, along with the other shit. Love. It’s not that it is physically harming at first glance. It’s that of and emotional habit. There are instances where it takes a harder, larger toll than any drug could. In my life, be it short, I’ve seen so many different types of love. I used to think there was only one type of love. Love was love. Yes, but there’s love for an object, materialistic, love for a friend, friendliness, or love for family, that is, quite frankly, forced. These are absolutely lovely, yes, but they mean absolutely nothing. Yes, I mean that. They are in no comparison to that of love out of habit.

Love out of habit is like no other.

It is never guaranteed that we will eventually meet it.

You see, love of habit has taken over my body.

The drug of love is abundant in me and there isn't a sober vein in my body.

            Five years ago I was dragged into the abyss that is my addiction. My addiction to the love that was built. The love that fell. Although, the peaks and troughs and phases of this kind of love mean nothing. 

Love of habit must be mutual in some way.

It will always be good enough, even in the most trying times. It will never downgrade in value. Love of habit is that of need and want. That of a, very cliché, ‘forever.’

            There is no leaving your habit. There is no going back once you've happened to succumb to your addiction. There is no feeling like that of curbing your life to fit your addiction in.  The only problem with love is that it puts you in a trance.  That of a dream.

            As children we are taught to “chase our dreams,” although, as we mature, “sleep is for the weak,” no? No, wrong. Sleep is for the dreamers, and my darling, love is the biggest dream of all in my book.

            Maybe that just so happens to be why I always feel so sleepy in your metaphorical arms.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        f.j.e.

Story of a Girl

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was an average little kid, a little odd, but average. She was the baby of the family. She lived in a big blue house in Chino Hills. All was dandy and shit until one day, while she was learning to read, she found out she was blind in one eye. She thought it was totally normal. It obviously wasn't and her mom and dad were scared. She went through tests for years and years. She eventually got used to it. She moved into Whittier. She thought I was a new beginning. But, it was the same. Same medical problems... And same people. One day, when she was in the 4th grade, she was at home with her mom. It was earlier in the morning. She was walking around, doing little kid stuff... Her mom called her into the other room and she ran to go see her. On her way to her mom she tripped on their fire place and hit her head on the brick. The only real damage was that she ripped off her toe nail. She was really shaken up... Her mom picked her up and took her to the bathroom and took care of her... While she was getting all fixed up, she started to see black spots... Her mom got scared and she didn't know what to do. The little girl started to go into this big huge seizure and there wasn't anything they could do... They had to go through tests and so many more shitty doctors. She had more and more. But she grew out of it once she got into middle school. She was sooooo excited! She got there and everything was okay. It was good. There were some hiccups... But it's okay. So, her 7th grade year, she met this kid... She fell head over heals for this guy. It was obvious that they were stupid but it didn't matter. He moved away and all they could do was text and call and skype... It worked... She was a year older than him, so once she got into high school she thought things wouldn't change. She made new friends. She had such an amazing time. She told the boy everything. He told her everything. She was in love with him. But, one day, everything bad happened. She found out that he was hiding stuff from her. She tried to talk it out but he was so angry. But, she tried to move on. She talked to guys. She met someone who was really good for her. She never said anything because she was being pulled back from what she needed by something that destroyed her. One day, the boy texted her. Her heart fluttered. She was so excited. The look of his name on her screen made her so thrilled. He said that he missed everything about them. What they were. He said he missed being in love with her. He made her feel in love again. Everything was perfect again. She told everyone. She told all of her friends. She told one friend in particular and she shuddered. She told the girl that he had a girlfriend. He tickled her and held her and kissed her and made her smile. Her boy made another girl feel in love. She was so broken. She tried and tried to be okay with it. She tried to mend are shattered heart. The only thing she did was wake up, go to school, and come home. She wasn't okay. She was anything but. She started to get into an old habit that wasn't okay. Then she met a guy. The guy made her laugh on her darkest days. The guy gave her the butterflies. The guy gave her hugs that you would look at and just want to keep in a jar. She was content with what was. She kicked her habits. She was ok. She was okay. She couldn't see him but they talked every day. The guy made her happy. It was anything but what you would expect to happen to the girl. The girl couldn't do anything but smile. But, everything has an end. She was with her mom one day. Her mom went to the doctor. It was a really log appointment. It wasn't average. Her mom got out and they got in the car.  Her mom was so quiet. The girl knew something was wrong. Her mom told her what was wrong and there was no emotion in her voice. The family was strong enough but it was a trial that was too big for anyone. They made the trek. They made it. Her mom made it seem like everything was okay. She was so good at putting up a cheery disposition. Her mom made the girl promise that she wouldn't tell anyone until they knew for sure what would happen. When they found out that the mom had to have treatment for what she had. They knew it was hard but they needed to be strong for each other. Everything seemed to look up. In a way. The girl wasn't okay. She wasn't sure she ever would be... But she's okay with it.